I Still Feel Shame
This is kind of a pat on the back, and kind of just a vent to acknowledge one of the many ways my mom screwed me up. When I was around 10, my mom and I were stuck waiting at a train crossing in her car.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the rear-view mirror, and for whatever reason thought “Hey…I’m kind of pretty!” I feel shame even typing that sentence out today, thanks to my mom.
I had recently seen something on TV about celebrity lips and I was thinking about whether or not I had pretty lips. I then decided that my lips were kind of pretty. Again, shame. That’s when I made a huge mistake. I asked my mother if she thought my lips were pretty. She Hit. The. Roof.
Stuck in that vehicle with her and with no escape, she scolded me and shamed me until I felt like a tiny ugly piece of garbage. Something to the effect of “Were you just staring at yourself in the mirror!? Do you know what that is called? Vanity! Vain people stare at themself in the mirror.
Vain people think that they are pretty. People who think they are pretty on the outside are UGLY and hideous on the inside. “People who are pretty on the surface are ugly deep down, and if you’re ugly on the inside you might as well be ugly on the outside, too.”
This was the first time I remember her saying something like that to me, but nowhere near the lat. It really stuck with me. To this day I can’t compliment myself in any way without feeling ashamed, like I’m a bad person for even thinking something positive about myself.
Not my looks, my artwork, not anything. I also do not accept compliments well. I deny and downplay. I’m trying to work on that because it really pushes away my husband.
Fast forward 25 years. I’m sitting in my car in a drive-thru with my eight-year-old daughter. She’s looking at herself in the mirror. She turns to me and asks, “Mom, do you think my eyes are pretty? I think my eyes are pretty!” Her eyes are gorgeous!
She has beautiful hazel eyes. But my reaction hit like a ton of bricks. The memories of my mom lecturing me came flooding back and I instantly teared up. I asked my daughter to turn and look at me so I could see her eyes.
I looked at her for a good little while and I replied to her, “Your eyes are beautiful! You are beautiful on the outside and you are absolutely gorgeous on the inside, too. I love you, beautiful girl!”
I assume my daughter will probably never think of that moment again, maybe it didn’t make much of an impression on her. But that moment with her really hit me and affected my heart and soul.
I felt like I was given a re-do of an awful moment in my life with my mom, and I chose to fix that moment for my daughter. I want her to know that she’s beautiful and to never feel ashamed to believe it or to hear it.
I want her to smile and say “thank you” when someone pays her a compliment. I want to be able to do that, too.