Grandma #3
My sister, Charlotte, passed 14 years ago at the age of 22. It was very sudden, she went in her sleep next to her fiancé, Hassan, while abroad visiting Hassan’s family for the first time. It was very horrible for the whole family, not least Hassan who woke to find her and had to travel a long way home alone without his fiancée while completely distraught that he couldn’t save her.
We were all absolutely destroyed for years. My mom, somewhat understandably, went completely insane in her grief, and there were many arguments between her and everyone else in the family, including Hassan, about funeral arrangements etc. This is probably quite normal in the circumstances, I only mention it here to illustrate that my mom and Hassan have a somewhat strained relationship as a result of this.
In fact, her relationships with me and my brothers do too for the same reasons. She was very unreasonable at the time, but my brothers, Hassan, and I were always in agreement about the things my mom wanted to fight with us about. Hassan, as Charlotte’s fiancé, was considered part of the family, so my mom’s next actions really cut him to the bone.
I found it unsettling that in the early days after her passing mom was saying things like “Hassan may want to go his own way after this, he has no obligation to stay in touch with us if he doesn’t want to”. It’s not really untrue, but it seemed a bit quick to be reacting like that. It took Hassan years to get back on his feet after Charlotte’s sudden passing, but he has kept close contact with us.
He also eventually met somebody, Tanya, and they started a relationship. Tanya is a lot like Charlotte, but also very different in a lot of ways, but my family loves her as much as we love Hassan. We have maintained close relationships with both Hassan and Tanya while respecting that both of them, especially Tanya, might find it weird that Charlotte’s family is still “hanging around”.
We’re careful to let them take the lead and not be too imposing, give them space to move on with their lives if they wish to. Everybody had grief counseling in the first few years, except my mom who simply refused. She said there was nothing wrong with how she felt and it was all natural. She wanted to feel her grief, but I think she developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms, and she continues to grieve for Charlotte.
She now finds connections to her in the most random things. Dragonflies have some significance because they’re prevalent in a place Charlotte went on holiday this one time, so she wears dragonfly jewelry a lot. When she found a stray dog and failed to locate its owner, she took it as a sign Charlotte wanted her to have this dog and adopted it. But that’s not all.
Every year on the anniversary of Charlotte’s passing she goes on holiday to the same place with the dragonflies, like some kind of pilgrimage. Stuff like this. Pretty understandable but probably not the best coping mechanisms. Anyway, five days ago, Tanya and Hassan had a baby, George. My mom text me on the day to let me know, but I didn’t get in touch with Hassan or Tanya.
I figured it’s their news and they’ll tell me when they’re ready. I’m super happy for them and can’t wait to meet George, but I’m respecting their space. Things are crazy enough when a new baby arrives without your deceased fiancée’s family adding to the chaos. Last night my mom texted me again to say Tanya and George were out of the hospital and she was on her way to pay them a visit at home.
I said I hadn’t let on that I knew yet, as I was waiting for them to make the first move. Hassan texted me after my mom left, so I “officially” know now and will call later today. But after all this, I was left with a weird feeling that my mom might be getting a bit imposing here. Tanya just got out of the hospital and she has to deal with the awkwardness of introducing her new baby to her partner’s past-fiancée’s mother.
I mean, technically George doesn’t have anything to do with my mom, but she seems to have invited herself around as though she’s Grandma #3. This is the same woman who just days after Charlotte passed was prepared to let Hassan cut himself off from us if he wanted, but now he’s had a baby she’s immediately wanting to be involved in his new family.
Is it just me, or is this all pretty weird? I’ve yet to speak to Hassan and Tanya, but I suspect they weren’t too comfortable with a visit from my mom so soon, and just felt like they couldn’t turn her away. I’m worried this might the beginning of a whole new unhealthy behavior for her.