Cease and Desist
I’m 26 now, and have known I was adopted since I was three years old. I don’t know what kind of adoption I was (open or closed) but I know that my biological parents signed their rights for me away shortly after my birth. I was in the foster system from five days old until three. This is because I was hard to place, as I was born with an atrial septal defect (ASD).
I developed complications due to the condition, which needed surgical intervention. I eventually was adopted by a NICU/pediatric nurse, my mom, and was raised in a loving and caring home. When I was 18, I was contacted via letter by some woman named “Claire” saying that she wished to speak to me. I didn’t respond, because I didn’t want to, and because I was having another heart surgery at the time. I had loving grandparents, who were older and passed when I was 20 years old, but then suddenly life threw me another tragedy.
My mom passed when I was 22 after an intense fight with cancer (she had been in remission). I was heartbroken, but I went to therapy from 22 until now to handle my grief. I didn’t even think of “Claire” again until I received another letter. The letter basically detailed that “Claire” was my older sister via my biological father and she had spent some decent money to track me down.
The letter detailed that she had done some serious work to discover what happened to me. The story chilled me to the bone. Basically, my biological father and biological mother were both married and had an affair together. I was the by-product of it and when the other spouses found out, there was a serious conflict. My biological parents signed away their rights after I was born to save their marriages
I was my biological mother’s first child and my biological father’s fourth. Basically, Claire discovered this secret when she went through her father’s records and found a single photo of me plus my birth certificate. He denied my existence and Claire spent a good chunk of a few years looking into it. My biological mother’s family was surprised at finding out I existed. They shamed their mother, who gave up my information almost immediately.
So basically I had seven siblings reaching out to find out more about me. I didn’t really respond to her letter and instead talked to my aunt, my adoptive mom’s sister, who told me that I should proceed with caution. She works in social services, so I valued her opinion. I opted to tell Claire I had no reason to want to speak to her or the other siblings, but would appreciate a medical history.
She’s since reached out on Facebook and has tried friending me. She’s sent me messages and letters including family photos unsolicited to my house. I finally had enough and reached out six months ago to tell her I had no interest. And I really don’t. I feel kind of grossed out. I was placed for adoption simply for my existence and don’t feel good communicating with her. Her reply infuriated me.
Claire blew up and is sending me messages saying that the family wants to know about me. They’ve moved on from the infidelity and the affair. She said “the entire family wants to embrace you—your mother is ill and wants to make up for lost time”. I told her I didn’t want any communication, especially since she called her “your mother” when I very plainly explained I already had a family, and I don’t feel like I should be anyone’s source of closure.
I don’t know how to navigate this, but I know after thinking about it that I don’t want any communication or to meet these people. For what it’s worth, Claire is the only one mentioning that my biological mother is sick. Everyone else is sending me messages berating me for not responding to Claire and telling me that they want me to talk to them.
Some are also admonishing me for being rude to Claire. There’s no sign of my bio mom being ill on any social media and my request for more information on her illness, which I sent a week ago, hasn’t been answered. My aunt has also put me into contact with a lawyer that she knows through the system.
He’s begun looking into my adoption—which was closed according to my father—and to see about creating a paper trail for harassment. The messages keep coming and I even opened my PO box today to discover a package plus a few letters, all from Claire. I promptly wrote return to sender on everything and dropped it off at the post office.
Luckily I’m in a different country and the only mailing address they have is my post office box. Hopefully it comes back that my adoption was closed and I can send them some form of cease and desist through the adoption agency.