Breaking Point
I think I am at a breaking point with my mother. 10 weeks ago, my husband and I had a baby. She is the first grandchild on both sides of the family. My in-laws live down the street and are so helpful and wonderful. They see our daughter a lot but also respect boundaries. They are wonderful and I would be lost without them. My mother is single and lives alone in another state three hours away.
She came up when my daughter was born and stayed for a week at our house while the baby was in the NICU. Aside from being unhelpful and leaving our house a mess, during this time she made several comments about my postpartum physical appearance, including that my long hair “made her nauseous”. I wanted to scream. I said she had no right to comment on my physical appearance, especially after just delivering a baby, and left the room.
She also was fixated on me sending proper thank you notes for all of the baby gifts we had received and dragged me to a stationary store the day after I came home from the hospital to pick out proper stationery. Mind you, I was still in a lot of pain and it hurt to walk, but…heaven forbid her friends would think I was rude if I didn’t send the notes out ASAP.
On her second trip back, our daughter was three weeks old. Again, she made a comment about my hair, stating that it reminded her of the movie Gray Gardens (but they wear kerchiefs? I digress). Again I reminded her that she has no right to comment on my physical appearance. I even reminded her that her mother did this to her when she was growing up, and she hated it, and now she is doing the same to me.
I never quite got an “I’m sorry” from my mother but she acknowledged it hurt me. While she’s been home, she repeatedly demands multiple videos and pictures of my daughter, several times a day, so she can send mass texts to our entire family. When I don’t send them quickly enough, or when she doesn’t like the ones I send (spoiler alert: all the time), she guilt trips me.
She starts saying things like “how dare you do this to your grandmother, the baby is all she is living for!” and “[The in-laws] are so close, and I feel like I’m so far away! I miss her soooo much!” A few weeks ago my mother booked her third trip to visit. A few days ago, I get a text saying, “While I am here, I will be happy to watch the baby while you get your hair/nails done and clean yourself up”.
I responded, “I know you mean well and have good intentions, but do you realize this is the third time you’ve made a comment on my physical appearance?” Reader, she LOST HER MIND. I reminded her of the past two incidents, and she said I’m being “too sensitive” and “that was a long time ago,” and she feels like she’s “walking on eggshells around me”.
I said that I knew she meant well but it hurt my feelings and to please refrain from commenting on my physical appearance. Her response? OK, I’M NOT COMING. Yesterday she officially canceled her flight. Honestly, mom? GOOD. We don’t want you to come. But at the same time, she can’t 1) not come to see her granddaughter, and then 2) complain how she’s so left out and misses her. YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.
Meanwhile, my in-laws are so wonderful and helpful, I am just embarrassed that my husband has to put up with my mom’s behavior. I’m dealing with a new baby and I’m exhausted, and on top of this, I have to deal with my mother acting like a child? I just can’t. She won’t go to therapy and I think I’m just grieving at the fact that this relationship won’t get any better, especially as my daughter gets older.