Mother Knows Best
At the point of this story, my ex-husband and I have been separated for over a year. It was a bit of an emotional roller coaster, and the drama never seemed to end. I honestly felt like I was drowning from time to time…and the biggest problem was my mother-in-law. The stuff her son put me through was horrible, but she was giving him a run for his money the entire time.
So I’m eager to be divorced and move on. Or move on as much as I can, considering we have a kid together and he uses the kid to exert control over both of us. Plus, his mother is doing the same thing and trying to manipulate the situation. Now, our divorce is an easy DIY process. I fill out court paperwork, but then realize I have to get an adult to serve it to my ex.
The server signs a “I served him” form and it’s all filed at court together. I then take the paperwork with me to my mother-in-law’s house, because my ex lives with her and I went there a lot for changing over taking care of the kids. At the time, my ex and I were in a fairly good place and life was going ok (provided he always got his way).
I no longer angered him by seeming like I had a brain of my own or anything. However, it was just after he and his mother tried to buy me back with flowers. They totally think they’ve got me all swindled and distracted by these massive flowers…and I ruin it as I want to divorce. It probably shocked them as to why I wasn’t swooning and begging for him back.
In any case, I ask my mother-in-law if she minds handing the divorce paperwork to him to serve him officially. It just has to be served by an adult; any adult that isn’t me. Then sign on the dotted line on the “I served him” form that I had with me. She says, “I’m not handing it to him unless I read it!!! I’m not being involved with anything that would be nasty towards my son. I need to know what you are saying isn’t lies”.
Now, in our state divorce in a no-fault system. The paperwork is literally tick a box saying “I want a divorce please” and filling in our personal particulars. There’s no room for embellishments, reasons or…lies. So I agree that she could read it. She asks if I could leave it with her for a few days to read. I tell her it can’t leave my sight and needs to be served in front of me.
This is also partly because I’m not an idiot. So she says she will read it. At this point, my ex—he’s home—tries to read it over her shoulder and she has to shoo him off. She reads the entire thing end to end as I sat there. She puts it down and proceeds to infuriate me. “I’m not handing that to him. It will upset him”. “There’s nothing nasty there, it’s just our personal details and a request to divorce. He just needs to agree or not. Either way we’re getting divorced”.
“Not going to happen. You’re not getting divorced, he clearly doesn’t want to and you’ve both got to want it”. But this is where she was wrong. “I don’t need his permission to divorce him, we don’t both need to be there. If it’s too hard for him to face, just serve this and I’ll do the rest. He doesn’t even have to show up to court”.
“I will not serve it. I will not upset my babyyyyyy”. I recall asking if I could ask an adult sibling to serve it, seeing as they were also all there. I got told by them too that I was being unreasonable to want to divorce their precious brother and was absolutely nuts for letting him go. Ok. So I leave and on my way out my ex is sitting on the floor in the doorway of the front door.
You know, very unsubtly blocking my exit. Full on tears and victim mode. “Whyyyyy are you divorcing meeeeeeeeeeee”. Really? Um, every type of mistreatment the book. The narcissism, the gaslighting. But of course, I can’t say that as it will set him off, so I don’t really commit to an answer. I gingerly try to side-step around him and get out of there.
I’m feeling super “triggered” by his blocking the exit but trying not to show him that I was triggered. Show him a weakness and you’ll have it used against you. He then proceeded to try to whine his way back into my heart. It was uncomfortable. I stood there for a polite time to make him feel like I’d listened, then I left as quickly as I could, trying not to anger him. But I still have a huge problem.
As my mother-in-law won’t serve him the paperwork and I still want my divorce, I pay money for a qualified process server to do the job. The server’s first question was “Why don’t you just get some friend to hand it to him? It’s far cheaper”. Then I explained and he said he understood. Two weeks later, the process server called me and said, “What the heck is wrong with these people”?!
This was before I even said hello. The story he told me made my jaw drop. Apparently, they locked down everything to stop him! He had to leap over their wrought-iron gate to even knock on their door. Every time my mother-in-law or anyone else came to the door they claimed my ex was not there even though his car was in driveway and a man was behind them who met his description.
They also tried crying and screaming “go awayyyyy”. They eventually stopped answering the door to his knocks and all three screamed “go away” to the server. Now, a while ago my ex sustained a work-related injury, and he rarely left the house because my mother-in-law waited on him hand and foot. It was definitely him there at the time.
The server decided he had to do a technical serve, stick it on his car, nail one to the front door, post one in the mailbox, and do a long, detailed affidavit explaining everything he did. He also said that he saw a man that matched the photo I provided, but the people in the house said it wasn’t him. Finally, he noted the huge number of times he went to the address and tried to serve.
Later I find out my ex had turned his waterworks on his mother and she went into protective mama bear mode to protect him from…being divorced. The financial settlement and kid settlement stuff had already been done, so this was just divorce to no longer be married—that is all. It’s like a sick joke. Perhaps they had another money-grabbing idea in the works, I guess I’ll never know.
So court day arrives. I’m crazy nervous. The biggest hurdle: Will the judge accept that he was served? Otherwise, I’ve got to keep trying to serve him, which is more money for me to pay. I half expected them to show up and be dramatic and refuse to go ahead. But I got some advice and the lawyer said that provided one person asked for a divorce, it’s pretty much a sure thing to get a divorce regardless of what the other person says.
But they could still cause delays so the judge could verify their claims or whatever. I can’t believe what actually ended up happening. They didn’t show up. I sat in the courtroom watching other cases go through like a well-oiled machine, and all the staff in the courtroom moved mechanically and repeatedly. It was almost beautiful to watch them do their thing.
Then finally my name was called. I stand up and introduce myself. The Judge stops. The well-oiled machine stopped. The courtroom staff look from judge to me. I get the feeling this doesn’t happen often. The judge was silent as she read through the paperwork once, then twice. She looks up at me and peers at me for a few seconds.
Then she asks, “Why was he so difficult to serve, do you think”? “Um…I believe that he thought if I couldn’t serve him…that we won’t be getting divorced”. She looked at the paperwork again. “You’ve been separated for more than a year…finances sorted…kids sorted…” The rest of the court staff lean forward in interest. It’s like this court file is the kind that they’re all going to read later and discuss for weeks around the lunch room table.
Judge shook her head in a big nooooo. I thought all was lost—but then came the twist. “Well despite his best efforts, my opinion is that he was legally served. You’ve brought this to his attention on a number of occasions and you WILL be getting your divorce today”. Well-oiled machine kicked back up into gear she said something about him having 30 days to object to the divorce.
Still, the only thing that can stop a divorce at that stage is us reconciling the relationship and us skipping back into the courtroom hand in hand. Nonetheless, some people do try to object just to be difficult. She looked at her file and suggested I might need more advice as a precaution if he’s that insistent on not being divorced. After that, the blood rushing through my ears drowned out the rest.
Oh the relief. A month later, the divorce papers arrived by post. I knew my ex got his own paperwork the same time as he and my mother-in-law claimed I was a con artist and somehow lied to the court. However, they didn’t apply to the court to get it reversed after all that effort. My poor mother-in-law’s son was all divorced. And, thank God, so was I.