Passing Down a Legacy
So my fiancée and I have been together for about three years total and engaged for almost a year. We are planning to get married after the baby arrives. She’s seven months pregnant and we are having a boy. Here’s where the drama starts. My grandfather passed in a heroic but devastating way when I was young. Since then, I have always wanted to name my first son after him.
He was my mom’s dad, and she wanted this even more than me. She has always, always stressed to me how important and meaningful this would be, but I’ve always wanted to do this as well. My grandfather didn’t have the stereotypical old-man name but actually had a name that is still common today. His name is also actually my fiancée’s dad’s name.
My fiancée never spoke about her dad other than telling me when we first started dating that she does not have a relationship with him and wants to leave it at that. She also told me a shortened name of his name which sounds similar but is different to my grandfather’s. But anyway, I never pressed her about it. I didn’t connect this at the time, but she never addressed my grandfather by name.
She just called him my grandfather. However, I thought this was normal because she’s never met him and that’s what I call him. I can’t forget her reply when I told her what I wanted to name our son. She said no. I couldn’t believe she said no so flat-out like that. I kept trying to convince her, letting her know how important and meaningful this was to me and the name is still common today.
It’s not like I wanted to name him an ugly or outdated name. I found her crying a couple times though and she eventually broke down and told me that that was her father’s name too and her father seriously mistreated her from the ages of 12-18, when she left for college. I felt horrible and of course, told her we won’t call our son that. I love the name and I love my grandfather.
I miss him terribly and would love to honor him in this way, but I love my fiancée more than anything and I don’t want her to spend the rest of her life having that name in regular use. I also don’t want it to feel like to her or anyone else that we named our son after her father. Selfishly, it really sucks that we won’t be naming our son this name.
But I am trying to come to terms with that. But that’s not the problem really—my family’s reaction was 100 times worse. My parents and especially my mom and extended family on mom’s side as well as my siblings have been doing everything imaginable to try to convince us to call our son this name. My fiancée ended up actually telling my mom what happened and why we won’t use this name.
This was hard for her to do because other than her own mom and therapist, she had never told anyone else about what happened. My mom acted sympathetic and understanding but ended up telling everyone else in our family what happened. Now everyone is contacting us to offer “support” and console my fiancée but also to tell her about how wonderful my grandfather was.
They keep saying how the name would be after him and not her father and what a great name it is. I put my foot down (or so I thought) and told everyone that enough was enough and they had to stop contacting us. We blocked a lot of people on Facebook and a lot of phone numbers. This was a few months ago though, and now that the baby will be here in just two months, it’s gotten so much worse.
People have actually started referring to our son with the name. My mom made a post with a lot of photos of baby gifts and equipment and talked about how she was soooo excited to meet her grandson “______” who will be named after her father. My dad shared the post as well as most of her family. My siblings made their own posts about how they’re excited to meet their nephew, calling him by that name.
100% they are trying to name him that so that when he’s born, everyone will already think that’s his name and we’ll think we might as well just name him that officially. I have spoken to my parents and my mom privately so many times. I also gave her an earful when she blabbed my fiancée’s secret. But it doesn’t seem like anything is working.
My fiancée is distressed and cries almost every day, and every time she goes on social media. We did change her phone number though so that my family would no longer be able to text her. I’m just not sure what to do from here.