I’m Cool Now, Right?
When I was a kid, the cool, older neighbor kids told me to eat grass. Of course, I didn’t want to. But they told me they did before, and I would be cool if I did. So I picked a big handful and ate it while everyone laughed at me.
Afterward, it came out that none of them had eaten any grass at all. And as it turns out, none of us knew what would happen if one were to eat grass.
So I ran home where my old man was in the backyard, spraying something with a garden hose.
I said, “Hey, dad, what would happen if somebody ate a big handful of grass?”
He replied, absolutely deadpan, “Tell me you didn’t eat grass.”
I said, “Well, no, but somebody else did, and I was just…”
He said, “Gristle… Tell me you didn’t eat grass…”
Tears started welling up, and I said, “Well, I was running really fast, and I fell, and when I fell. My mouth landed on a clump of grass and my mouth closed on it. I accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of it and… Am I gonna die?!?”
He said, “Probably. But go in and drink as much water as you can stand, and then I will take you to the hospital.”
I ran inside and drank as much water as I could. Then, I rushed out to the van where the old man was waving me into the open door. We flew out of the neighborhood, screaming towards the hospital while I cried in the back seat.
Finally, we got to the liquor store down the street from the hospital, where the old man said, “Nah, I’m just messing with you. You’ll be fine.”
And he went in and bought beer, and we drove home.