Late Night Mistakes
I cheated on my boyfriend about eight months ago. We’d been together (at that time) for just over a year and to this day I love him more than anything. He doesn’t know and I have decided not to tell him. The other guy is a complete screw-up who I spent almost five years in love with. For some reason he always seems to be around whenever I’m feeling really low.
This is usually when I feel like revisiting the past. I had been feeling bad around that time and wondering if I was good enough for my boyfriend, feeling like I was holding him back, like he was too good for me, that he could have anyone else and I couldn’t reason why he wanted me, etc. I got to drinking one night and while spilling my guts to that loser about how inadequate I was feeling, I made out with him.
I haven’t seen or spoken to him since then aside from letting him know that it wasn’t going to happen again, despite his suggestions that we carry on a secret fling on the side. I said that if he ever valued our friendship, he wouldn’t tell anyone.
My boyfriend is a salt of the earth kind of guy. The best man I’ve ever met. I have kept it from him because, the way I see it, I messed up. I made the mistake, not him. I should live with the guilt of it rather than putting that hurt on him. It will never happen again and if I could take it back I would. I’ve never wondered about whether or not I wanted to be with him, only about why he would ever want to be with me.
Lately I’ve been feeling particularly awful about all of this and I honestly can’t figure out why it’s been bothering me so much now after months of successfully hosting this memory way in the back of my mind. I feel like an awful person. How could I do that to such an amazing person?