The Animal Inside
I find every day to be a struggle against the urge not to snap and just start attacking the people I know for various reasons. I almost constantly have to restrain myself when dealing with the majority of them in order to keep myself from doing anything to them, but more often than not I get by with minor appeasement from condescension. But inside, it’s terrifying.
All while, I withhold the urge to just start hurting them as much as possible. While I am currently seeing a psychiatrist for this kind of thing, in a sense I’m so well aware of what my problems are and their signals that I can mask them face-to-face with a professional and generalize my issues as “social anxiety” without even really thinking about it.
I’m hesitant to bring up just how I really feel about everything because I’m more concerned it would inconvenience me than actually be beneficial. While I understand well enough that how I feel about all this and how I think of it isn’t “right”, a part of me doesn’t want to be without it and I find myself enjoying the idea of seeing them all suffer for their bad habits and stupidity.
All the while, I also want to avoid the stigma and judgment of being perceived as a psychotic by people I have to interact with in person due to how it might affect my meager life. I have difficulty sleeping sometimes due to all this. I lie in bed wondering if this is how psychos feel before they go on to commit their sprees. I’m worried that it’s more of a matter of when than why for me currently.