Something Isn’t Right
I have cancer and no one knows about it, partially even myself. I’m fairly sure it has metastasized to other parts of my body. I’m definitely scared to even admit it and often think of the five stages of loss and grief and that I’m stuck in the denial stage. My heart is racing from fear even as I am typing this. I’m relatively young, still in my 20s, but it started as what I suspected to be a tumor in my pelvis when I was maybe 13.
It was definitely confirmed to be a tumor as it is now by my scrotum and about the size of a golf ball. I’ve been through numerous physicals, but no doctor has ever said anything about it and neither have I. I think about going to an oncologist once in a while but have no idea how to start. “Hey doc, I think I have cancer but I’m not sure and have been concealing it for more than 10 years”. I’m extremely scared of the consequences, not necessarily passing but leaving my partner, family, and friends behind.
I have a decent job, I own a home and have insurance coverage but I always think of a myriad of reasons not to visit the doctor. Will treatment wreck me financially and cause me to be a burden? Will I end up having to have numerous organs removed? Will I even survive this? Sometimes I hope it will go away on its own. I know better.
Other times I hope I’ll just go from an aneurysm or something. Yet other times I imagine that my hand will be forced at some point. That I’ll go to the doctor and go through treatment and be relatively okay for the rest of my life.