It’s Not About You
This is a doozy, so please strap in and bear with me. For context here, my sister is 30, I am 22. 10 years ago, my sister had a miscarriage. Obviously, it was devastating for her and the whole family, and it took her a couple of years to fully heal from it. We’re still not 100% sure why it happened, but it was a one-off and she’s since had three very healthy, beautiful children, including a set of twins.
So here’s the thing. My sister and I don’t really get on. She resented me as a kid because she had to share mom’s attention and because she thought mom left her dad to be with mine. Never really grew out of that resentment and she was pretty much my biggest tormentor throughout childhood and my teenage years. One thing she absolutely cannot stand is when mom and I do things without her, or when mom pays more attention to me than to her.
When this happens she calls mom and says she’s feeling really upset about the miscarriage and without fail mom comes running. This includes a trip to Paris I took mom on for her birthday earlier this year, which she cut short because my sister said she needed her. It also includes when I had a manic episode so bad I was hospitalized, and my sister managed to need mom every time she was planning to visit me, and so she never did.
Note, these times when mom is spending more time with me than her are the only times my sister brings up what happened, and certainly the only times she still gets so upset about it. So, recently I was sick. Like, don’t leave the bathroom for days, can only keep water down sick. Didn’t manage to get the doctor, but I think it was norovirus.
It lasted about a week. Mom was popping in daily on her way home from work to check on me and stuff. On the last day of being seriously unwell, when I felt I could eat again, mom offered to make me some soup while she was there, which I accepted. She was halfway through making it when my sister called her, saying she was upset about the miscarriage.
She told me I’d have to finish it myself because she had to go. I didn’t say anything to mom and I finished making the soup, but I sent my sister a text saying she really needs to stop bringing it up for attention because she can’t bear me getting some instead. I guess she told mom and her dad because I’m hearing from all sides what a horrible, insensitive, selfish jerk I am and how dare I say that to her.
I understand she may still be traumatized, I just think it’s really weird how that trauma solely manifests whenever I’m getting attention and she isn’t.