Too Late to Reach Out
I will probably consult with a lawyer in the near future. I have a daughter (13) with an ex who was not in her life. We were young, in our early 20s, when she was born.
My ex wasn’t ready to give up her life and be a mom yet, so I assumed full custody. She had another child when our daughter was nine and never spoke to our daughter again or really acknowledged her.
I remarried as well and my wife has been an amazing stepmom to my daughter. My daughter was diagnosed with cancer in 2016. I made sure to let my ex know of course and sent periodic updates. She didn’t visit or call and basically, things went on as normal.
In December 2019, it became apparent that her fight was drawing to a close and there was nothing anyone could do. I sent the following email: “Jess, I want to let you know that we got the results of E’s scan today. The cancer has spread significantly with several new growths and no change to the old sites.
At this time, doctors are advising that treatment is unlikely to be successful and we would be better off providing her with comfort care instead. She will be a lot more comfortable and be allowed to go home, which she really wants. L, the doctors, and I have all talked to her as well as child life. She has agreed that it’s time to come home.
She is being discharged tomorrow to hospice at home. As always, she would love to see/hear from you.” She replied to that email a short time later with “Thank you for the update.”
She didn’t call or reach out to our daughter at all. After coming home from the hospital, my daughter asked me to mail a letter and to send an email she’d written to her mother. I don’t know what the letter or email said but I know that neither one was replied to.
In January, our daughter passed. I sent the following emails: “Jess, I wish I didn’t have to write this email. Our sweet E passed in her sleep. It was very peaceful. I will send another email with funeral details. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything.”
And then I sent one about the funeral. This is the important part of that email: “Jess, In addition, we have decided on cremation. Please let me know if you would like any of her ashes. I can even get them made into jewelry or put in an urn for you and have it shipped if that’s easier for you.”
She replied to that one thanking me and telling me she would rather not have the ashes and that I could do what I liked with them. We did. We gave some to my mother, had some turned into jewelry for my wife and three younger girls, I kept some, and we buried some in a few of her favorite places.
At this point, the only ashes that physically exist are mine, my mother’s, and my wife and daughters’. Fast forward to the end of February, and I get an email from my ex stating that she’d had a change of heart and asking if she could have some of our daughter’s ashes.
I told her that unfortunately, we didn’t have any “left,” but that my wife offered to send her the necklace she had made. She declined and did seem a little offended that we’d offered but it was all we had to give.
A few days ago, I received a notice that she was suing me for emotional damages for “failing to offer her our shared child’s cremains” and “offering a used necklace” and some other nonsense. I’m going to be honest: I feel like the only person who is being emotionally damaged here is me.
I’m dealing with a huge devastating loss of my first child, my best buddy, my constant companion while also dealing with the stress of two young kids who don’t understand AND a brand new baby. I feel like I’ve been nothing but nice and communicative to her and this is what I get for it?
I’m angry, I’m tired, and I’m frustrated. Realistically, I don’t even have the emotional energy to fight it and I’m seriously considering throwing some money at it and hoping it goes away.
Story credit: Reddit / pleasehelp45283