Red Flags
I need some help processing this. The person I’m dating (together 3 months), I’ll call him “Dan,” recently invited me out to dinner to meet some of his co-workers.
The first red flag was he invited everyone out to a Hooters, and said they chose that restaurant because it’s close to where they work and is easy to get to. Which is true, but there are several other restaurants nearby that offer better food and a better atmosphere.
Before he invited me out to dinner, he half joked that his co-workers (all of them are male) didn’t believe that he was dating a “hot girl” who is into the same hobbies as them—that these are hobbies that are considered to be primarily for men.
I was a little irked at that comment, but he said he was “just joking around.” This pretty much became the catch phrase for the men that night.
When everyone arrived at the restaurant, Dan and his co-workers were making comments about the girls who worked there and their physical appearances.
This made me a little uncomfortable, but I didn’t say anything. I soon regretted this. Once everyone ordered their food and drinks, his friends started to quiz me about my interests.
Many of them share the same “male dominated” hobbies I’m interested in, and they more or less just tried to see if I knew facts about the hobby, as opposed to asking me questions about what I like or don’t like or what I’m currently doing in said hobby.
For example, if my hobby was American history, one of them would ask an esoteric question like “Oh, so you like American History? How many one-dollar bills are currently in circulation? How old is the French Broad River!?” I also work as a junior automation engineer at a start up software company.
I haven’t been writing code that long. I’m really green and I know I still have a lot to learn. The projects I’m working on are small and I’m getting help at work.
All of his friends are senior level software engineers and were quizzing me about my work and trying to see how much I actually know.
They were asking about advanced things I did not know about, and were asking me technical questions that don’t even apply to my job. But, they were all smiling and laughing, and would frequently say something like, “Aw we’re just kidding!”
At one point, I felt like I was at some weird interview and was taking one question at a time from each jerk at the table. I know I stopped fake smiling at some point and just emotionlessly answered their questions.
I think one of them became self-aware, because he just looked down at his phone for the rest of the evening, didn’t ask me anything else, and just looked uncomfortable. When they weren’t asking pointed questions at me, they were talking to each other and ignoring me.
I’d be interrupted if I tried to include my thoughts on the subject, or nod at me and look away to someone else. I should mention that all of these guys were 5-10 years older than me. I’m 25, the guy I’m dating is 29, and his co-workers are in their early-mid 30s.
I don’t have as much experience as they do, and part of me was hoping I could meet peers who could have helped guide me or answer my questions about their careers.
They all kept saying they were just kidding around or just joking and laughing about it, but it was so cringey.
Dan was sitting beside me and wasn’t stopping this behavior from his co-workers. He was coaching me, I guess? Saying things like, “Oh! You know this one!” or “Come on, you got this, we talked about this last week!” Dan also made the comment of, “See, she’s really smart too!” to one of the guys at the table.
That whole night was just awful. But his response was somehow more chilling. He was actually irritated at me because he saw my whole mood change while I was being quizzed by his friends.
He said he noticed me having an “attitude” with his co-workers, when they were just having fun and trying to get to know me.
That it was immature of me to have been so obviously annoyed and that I “audibly sighed” multiple times when one of his friends spoke to me.
I can’t stop seeing Dan as a super cringey dude now. I thought he was acting ridiculous and seemed more like a 13-year-old boy as opposed to someone who is supposed to be turning 30 in a couple of months. I’m pretty sure I can’t go on with the relationship at this point.
I don’t think this is an overreaction on my part, if I were to break up with him. Everything was going fine before this happened. But now I just feel gross. The dinner happened last night and I haven’t returned any of his texts today.
I know ghosting is wrong, but I don’t want to look at him or speak to him, the thought of him just kind of disgusts me at this point.
I’ve never felt like someone’s show poodle before. I don’t know if I’ll feel differently in a week or if I’m unjustified in my anger.