Just Desserts
I always thought these crazy people who don’t mind their own business must be a rare breed and that I would never encounter one of them, but somehow I did. So a little bit of background before I start. I was born in Pakistan but came to Canada when I was three. By that time, I could already speak in Urdu, Punjabi, and Hindi (the languages are fairly similar in many regards), and then I came to Canada and English was my fourth language.
As I grew up, I also learned Arabic, French, and Japanese to varying competencies, but all within the realm of conversational. Having grown up in Canada, I have no “accent” when I speak in English, so you wouldn’t be able to tell me apart from a Caucasian person if you spoke with me over the phone. But also having learned so many languages, I’m able to pronounce a lot of sounds fairly accurately, so I sound authentic in all languages that I speak in, to all but native speakers.
Most of the languages that I know sound different enough from each other that someone that doesn’t know them can still tell that the language is different. I’ve traveled back home to Pakistan a few times, and I would always encounter those beggars who come with elaborate stories. Like, my wife is sick and she needs surgery, and I managed to get money for that, but I need money for the flight to reach her, etc.
I came up with a fun counter to that, which was that I would act like I didn’t understand them at all and would start speaking in a different language that they wouldn’t know. Japanese was my go-to language while in Pakistan. The reaction those people would have was quite hilarious. So my wife and I were at an Indian restaurant in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, enjoying our dinner and having a conversation.
We speak in a mix of Urdu and English, just mixing with whatever feels easy. To someone listening in, they would be able to understand enough to figure out what we are talking about in most cases. We were sitting in a booth table so it was only open from one side. Karen and her family—a husband, Jimmy, and two daughters—were sitting at an open table with an empty table between us.
My wife is Pakistani like me, and what some Pakistanis like to do is eat rice with their hands. I prefer a spoon myself, but at this time my wife was eating with her hands. Apparently, this Karen got offended at seeing my wife eat with her hands. When she came over, I started speaking in different languages, acting like I didn’t understand what she was saying in English.
I’ll translate what I said and put in parentheses which language I said it in. Here’s how it went: Karen walks over to our table with a sour expression on her face. Jimmy calls to her, telling her to sit back down and leave us alone, but she ignored him. She addresses my wife directly. Karen: What’s wrong with you? Can’t you eat your food in a civilized manner like the rest of us?
Me: (Urdu) Huh? What do you want? Can’t you see we’re eating? Karen looks at me with surprise. Karen: What did you just say? Me: (Urdu) [To wife] Don’t talk to her in English, just do what I’m doing. Me: (Urdu) [To Karen] You’re just a crazy woman, go sit back down. Karen: Why aren’t you speaking in English? My wife starts smiling and I try hard to keep a straight face.
Wife: (Urdu) We are just enjoying our meal, why don’t you go and sit down? Karen: I just heard you speaking in English, I KNOW you can talk in English! Me: (Urdu) Yeah, I can but I choose to not do so. Wife: (Urdu) [To me] I think she’s getting upset. Me (Urdu) [To Wife] I know, that’s what makes this so much fun. Karen: Stop it! Talk in English like I heard you before!
Me: (Japanese) So you were listening in on our conversation? Don’t you have any manners? Karen: Wait, that’s some other language now. What the heck is this?? Jimmy: Leave them alone Karen, they don’t speak English. Karen: I KNOW THEY DO! They’re just pretending not to. Jimmy: It doesn’t matter, just sit down. I start waving toward her table.
Me: (Japanese) That’s right, go back to your table, you loud cow. Jimmy: Karen, they aren’t doing anything wrong. Leave them alone. Karen: She’s eating with her hands! I can’t let the girls learn her uncivilized ways! Me: (Hindi) [To Wife] Start licking your fingers. My wife starts licking the rice on her right hand off the top parts of her fingers and that makes Karen rage even more.
Karen: OH MY GOD! Look at how gross she is being! Jimmy: Stop looking at her if you don’t like it then! Me: (Arabic) Hey you dumb witch, do you behave this way everywhere you go? Karen: He changed languages again! I know he did! His accent changed! Me: (Japanese) Yep, and I can keep changing. Karen: SPEAK IN ENGLISH! Jimmy: You must have heard them wrong. They don’t know English. Leave them alone. I couldn’t believe how much more horrible she got after that.
Karen: Then why are they living here? They don’t deserve to live here if they don’t know English. At this point, I was having a hard time keeping a straight face, so I disguised it by raising my voice and appearing angry. I gestured towards her and then pointed at her table. Me: (Arabic) Are you so dumb you can’t even listen to your husband? Go sit down and stop embarrassing yourself!
Karen: YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE HERE! GET OUT! At this point, the restaurant’s manager Singh shows up to see what all the commotion was about. He’s an Indian guy with a pretty heavy accent when he spoke in English, so I knew he’d speak either Hindi or Punjabi. Singh: Excuse me, can you please keep your voice down? What is going on here?
Karen: This woman is eating with her hands and it’s disgusting! She’s corrupting my children with her barbaric ways. Singh: Ma’am, there are no rules that forbid her from eating with her hands. Please leave them alone or I’ll have to ask you to leave. Now Jimmy gets up and comes over to where Karen is. Jimmy: Sit down Karen, you’ve embarrassed yourself enough! THIS is why I can’t take you anywhere!
Me: (Punjabi) Ignore this dumb cow, her brain is smaller than a “ladoo” (an Indian sweet). The manager starts laughing at my comment and Karen gets even redder in the face, since she probably thinks we’re making fun of her. Which, to be fair, we are. Karen: ALL OF YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY! Jimmy just takes her arm and leads her back to their table and sits her down, telling her to shut up.
Her daughters look like they want to sink into the floor from embarrassment. I ramble a few more sentences in varying languages as a kind of venting before my wife tells me to just leave it alone. We finish our dinner about 10 minutes later, with Karen glaring at us the whole time. I go pay the bill and as we are walking out of the restaurant, we pass near Karen’s table. I knew exactly what to do.
I call out to Jimmy in perfect English (with no accent) while smiling and I give him a wave. Me: Hey buddy, I hope you enjoy your dinner! Have a good night! Karen’s eyes bulge as she screams. Karen: I KNEW IT! SEE! THEY KNOW ENGLISH! She tried to stand up suddenly, but instead ended up falling over backward in her seat. My wife and I left the restaurant laughing before she could do anything else.