He Uses Offensive Terms Often
My mother-in-law and father-in-law stayed with my husband and me for five days. And boy, was it a long visit! Some background: I am a South Asian American millennial woman married to a southern Caucasian millennial man.
My husband and I are not religious. Both of my in-laws identify as Catholic. My mother and father identify as Muslim. Everyone has already met at our wedding.
My father-in-law and mother-in-law eat only a handful of home-cooked meals out of the year, the remainder being take out and dine in. Night 1: The first hour in, we order take out from a Thai restaurant and we somehow cannot manage to have a civil dinner conversation.
My father-in-law asks me if the woman at the restaurant is “insert politically incorrect term for Asian people here,” and I dismiss it because it wasn’t the hill I wanted to lay down on.
I indirectly correct him by replying, “Yes, she was Asian.” My husband chimes in and says that it’s not correct to use the term he used and that he should be saying “Asian” instead.
He tries to explain that the term describes an inanimate object and not the background of a human being. I deduce that it makes sense as to why Asians would be offended if you used an objectifying term to describe them and my mother-in-law agrees that it makes sense.
My father-in-law, however, continues to justify what he says by using the baby boomer argument: “You snowflakes are so easily offended, so sensitive, and everyone is always so concerned about being politically correct.”
My husband explains that it’s just an evolution of language thing and that it’s the same concept as the regretful time when other bad slurs were normalized, and things have changed and progressed for the better since then.
My mother-in-law agrees. I agree. My father-in-law tries to refute and says it’s not language that we are disagreeing about, it’s politics. And I back up my husband and say that it is language.
My father-in-law digs a grave and says that this is the exact same concept as people being offended by the word “insert offensive slur for disabled people here.”
Now I’m just angry because my father-in-law thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to still throw around this word and I explain that his words are insensitive, and he doesn’t know his audience’s relationship with someone with mental disabilities and he has no way of assuming what they could be.
My mother-in-law agrees. My husband agrees. I tell him that there are other words to describe someone’s ignorance like uneducated, ignorant, dense, asinine, and even swear words.
My mother-in-law gasps that I used an obscene word at the dinner table, of all places! My father-in-law doesn’t see any reason to change his ways and mumbles under his breath. Uncomfortable silence ensues at the dinner table.
I play with my pad Thai noodles remaining on my plate, mostly tracing invisible profanities with my fork. I leave the dinner table and proceed to seethe while I wash my face and get ready for bed in the comfort of our private master suite.
My husband meets me on my way back, and says that he’s making my father-in-law apologize, which is relieving knowing that my husband has my back and that my father-in-law is taking responsibility for his rudeness even though he was likely not going to alter his actions.
I thought it was over—but I was so, so wrong. My father-in-law’s attempt at a half-serious apology was, “Sorry I said stuff about [insert same slur here]s hehehe.”
I have a very difficult time disguising my true feelings from my demeanor, so I can safely assume that everyone could read the very annoyed look on my face before I walked away.
My husband says his father needs to be sincere and apologize for being abrasive. My father-in-law says “Sorry for being loud,” and I just looked at him straight-faced and asked “…and?” which I did not realize I had the gall to say out loud.
But then he finishes his apology with, “…and being abrasive.” And I thanked him for his apology. Even though we all know that my father-in-law did not actually feel like he was in the wrong, nor did he learn a lesson.
The next night, Christmas Eve, we are all watching trash Christmas movies together when my father-in-law has me all wound up again. I honestly don’t even remember what it was about this time. My father-in-law then claims that he’s just “being honest,” which is the lowest possible excuse for inhumane behavior.
So naturally, I call him out and say that he may be claiming to be honest but in reality, he’s just being patronizing, insensitive, and inconsiderate to other people.
And my father-in-law says, “Ya know, you’re a lot like me…” I couldn’t believe what came out of my mouth next. I unwittingly interrupted and said, “What? Like a jerk?!”
I suppose it was a tad disdainful and I normally would have felt contrite about my comeback, but my mother-in-law was quick to agree with me and so was my husband. Thankful for them for supporting my shiny spine and speaking up about it!
The next day was Christmas. My husband and his mother are in the garage working on a project while I am in the kitchen and my father-in-law is in the living room. My father-in-law has the audacity to ask, “So how do your parents feel about you and my son being married?”
I let him finish his thought so that he can elaborate, even though I’m already feeling defensive. He continues, “I heard this story about how a religious Muslim father took his daughter’s life for being too Western, and they later discovered the Muslim father was part of an extremist group.”
Instead of giving him the satisfaction of seeing me all riled up, I simply stated, “Well, I’m still alive.” My father-in-law tries to keep pushing my buttons on the matter and I just repeat my previous statement of, “All I can say is that I’m still alive.”
He let it go. Oh, but how I wish I could have ripped him a new one. My father-in-law has met my parents. He is aware of the reciprocating unconditional love that we have for each other.
I am still baffled as to why he would ask such a ridiculous question when he understands my relationship with my parents. My husband hasn’t been feeling well and, on the evening of Christmas, he announces that he needs to take a break to rest.
My in-laws and I continue to hang out in the living room, but they are both taking my husband’s temporary absence very personally. I explain that he is pretty introverted and just needs to recharge, and he’s also feeling a bit under the weather so it’s good for him to rest.
My husband’s away for about half an hour and then joins us all again. He proceeds to explain the same thing I just told my in-laws. My mother-in-law is listening while I explain that my husband has been introverted ever since I’ve known him and he even needs breaks from me.
And it’s not personal, he’s not annoyed or upset with me or them. He just needs alone time. My mother-in-law hears me out and now understands that this is normal behavior, but her husband does not care to listen to our conversation.
My husband and I finish making Christmas dinner for all four of us. At the dinner table, my father-in-law is quiet and, after finishing his meal, he excuses himself to go to bed without saying a word.
My mother-in-law is very appreciative of us cooking dinner for everyone, and we continue spending more time with her since she’s not ready for bed yet.
The last night of their visit we have the final showdown. My father-in-law tells my husband that next time, if he needs alone time, that he should just say he is tired instead.
I cheerfully chime in, “Are you asking my husband to spare your feelings?” And my husband smirks at me and says he loves my spin on this, which is funny considering that he is very insensitive and makes fun of others for being so sensitive.
It was so amusing to watch him trying to reverse his statement and backtrack. Then, my husband points out that my father-in-law acted like a child the night before and just pouted at dinner and went to bed early, which was very passive-aggressive behavior.
My father-in-law is still tripping over his words and I tell him, “Even though you may be upset with my husband, that is no reason for you to be unappreciative of our time and energy spent on cooking a meal for you.”
My father-in-law finally stops and, even though he doesn’t fully admit all his faults, him stopping was a sign of defeat. This holiday wasn’t the best, but my husband and I got to go to bed with at least one win.
After the showdown, my mother and father call so they can wish my mother-in-law and father-in-law happy holidays and invite them over to their home. But the jerk had to get one last jab in.
My father-in-law then says to my mother, “When is your daughter giving us grandchildren? You need to talk to her about that.” I interrupt with, “I don’t think anyone should be telling me what to do with my body.”
My mother didn’t hear my response, but I told her later and she supports me 100% and knows that I am the only person that is allowed to make decisions about my body. She also agrees that my husband and I are the only ones that should decide whether or not we want to have children.
So yeah, my father-in-law is a guy who justifies using offensive terms for no reason, despite being extremely sensitive himself. And his impolite demands that I carry on his bloodline did not get him anywhere. I suspect that next time, my husband and I will be invited for a shorter stay.
The visit was not enjoyable, but at least I know that my husband 100% supports me. He’s happy that I stand up for myself and, during each one of the little flare-ups, he agreed with all of my rebuttals, my tact, and how I generally deal with his parents.
I am lucky to have met him and married him, even with all of the silliness that his father has brought into my life. Story credit: Reddit / tragicsnowflake