9. Social Media Police
I was at Walmart the other day looking at Christmas decorations, which are displayed in a main aisle right across from the Electronics department, where I used to work. I haven’t in about 3 years, but occasionally I’ll get recognized. I’m guessing this is one of those times because I was dressed in all black, nothing even remotely blue. Anyway, I hear a sharp female voice right behind me. I turn around and there’s Karen, 478 Millionth of Her Name, Seller of LuLaRoe, Self-Styled “Entrepreneur”, and Drinker of Vodka from Water Bottles at Her Darling Jaxtyn’s Soccer Games.
Karen: “Where are the kitchen utensils?”
Me: “In the homelines area. It’s up front by the pharmacy.”
I said this out of pure reflex – I was so used to customers asking me where things were that I think I’ll always respond immediately by telling them exactly where to look.
Karen: “I know that. I was just up there and couldn’t find them.”
Me: “Well, that’s where they are. Excuse me.”
I moved to get past her, which was difficult because she maneuvered her cart so that it was pretty much blocking all foot traffic in the busiest part of the store. To my surprise, she actually moved. She had a strange look on her face though – kind of a deer in the headlights, with a lot of rapid blinking. When I walked past, I noticed her taking out her phone and dipping down a side aisle, and Miss Thing was hustling. Oh, Lord. I wasn’t sure what was about to happen but I knew it was going to be loud.
I was walking down another aisle when she bursts out in front of me, slightly out of breath and holding her phone out in front of her, like she was talking on speaker with who I assumed was the Customer Service line. She was like Kyle Fuller with hot flashes and an iPhone.
Karen: “- at Walmart. Oh look! Here she is. Come here.”
She points and beckons at me.
Me: “No?”
I was honestly confused at what was happening. I owed this woman exactly none of my time. She comes up to me instead.
Karen: “Say hi to Facebook. What’s your name?”
She said this with the slightly manic, slightly smug look of someone who has very clearly just found the hill she is willing to die on. This bitch was recording me in a Facebook Live video.
Me: “Hi Facebook. Why are you friends with her?”
Karen: “Oooh, she’s got a sense of humor. She won’t tell me her name. This is the [city] Walmart. Today is December 17, 2018 at 10:30 PM.” (I don’t remember the exact day or time but that sounds right.)
Then she ended the video.
Karen: “I have you on video. I will be sharing this with the [city] Walmart’s Facebook page. Have a good dayyyyy.”
She drew out the last word in a singsongy voice with what I can only describe as a Slasher Smile.
It’s now 2 days later and as far as I know Walmart doesn’t really conduct investigations through Facebook so I think I’m safe, guys.