Strangest Man I’ve Ever Met
A few years ago, our good friend and her boyfriend came to stay with us for a week. Our friend was a saint, however, her boyfriend was a goblin. To this day I have no idea how this man survived into his 20s—he was the absolute strangest person I had ever met. He was fine for the first couple of days. He took us all out for drinks and acted like a total gentleman.
A couple of days in, he decided he wanted to be a dealer in our neighborhood. For reference, we lived in a residential family neighborhood in “the hood” of our city. There were already several dealers on our block. We tried to convince him this was a very bad idea, specifically because we didn’t want the others thinking our house was the competition.
He didn’t listen. Fortunately, nothing serious happened and he didn’t run into anyone important. He did, however, run into our next-door neighbor, and invited himself into the guy’s house. Our neighbor was a nice dude, but not someone we had ever actually hung out with, so we began the process of trying to extract him. However, having no social cues whatsoever, he wasn’t picking up on it.
Suddenly our friend’s boyfriend stood up and exclaimed, “I’m bleeding!” His shin was bleeding a lot, where he had apparently picked a scab. Our neighbor asked him if he wanted a Band-Aid, but he just said, “Nah man, I can handle it.” We eventually got him out, but not before he bled all over the place. The next morning my fiancée got up before sunrise to use the bathroom and saw the guy in the backyard with his pants down, pleasuring himself.
She decided not to confront him because it would be weird. We later asked his girlfriend about it and we offered to leave if they wanted some privacy to get busy. Apparently, he believed it was rude to be intimate in someone else’s house and thought it would be more polite to have at it in the yard. Again, we lived in a residential family neighborhood. We had no idea what possessed him to think this was okay.
He also had a condition where every time he was cold, he would grab at his stomach, make audible “uhh…brrrr” sounds, and complain that his stomach hurt. We couldn’t figure out what that had to do with being cold. At one point, he bought a gallon of milk and a can of chili. He rapidly ate the chili and chugged the milk, then projectile vomited all over the backyard.
When we asked his girlfriend why he didn’t just use the toilet, she said he’d told her he “wanted to be polite.” He would sleep in our living room all day and pass gas a lot. He would take hour-long showers and use up all of our hot water, shampoo, and conditioner. On the day they were supposed to leave, I decided I had enough and was burned out.
I got in my car and started driving to the local drugstore to get out of the house. Lo and behold, our guest hopped our fence, slid in my passenger door, and said he needed a couple of things for the trip so he was coming with me. When we got to the store, he was being loud and yelling across the place trying to have conversations with me.
At that point, I was just counting down the minutes until he was going to leave. We got to the checkout line, he cut in front of me, and before the cashier even started to ring him up, he started asking for discounts. I believe he asked for the “out of towners discount” and also tried to apply for a credit card—at CVS.
When this didn’t work and his stuff came out to be more than he wanted it to, he said, “Hey man, can you get me this drink, I thought I’d be able to get some discounts.” I reluctantly added his drink to my basket because I didn’t want to deal with the hassle. But then came the cherry on top. He looked in my basket, which contained shampoo and conditioner to replace the ones he used up, and said “Dude, you go through a lot of Suave for a bald guy.”
Story credit: Reddit/NightOnFMountain