The Phony Chef
I reconnected with a friend who was moving back to town. There was a live outdoor music event going on that evening and I invited her over before my friends and I went to the event. She asked if I could pick her up. Once she was at my house, we were all having a few drinks, and she disappears. I find her in the kitchen, and my jaw dropped.
She literally has EVERYTHING out of my fridge and is cooking. When I say everything: I had just gone to the store and gotten fresh veggies, chicken breasts, ground beef. I was stocked up for a week or two. I ask her what she’s doing, and she tells me that she’s been a chef at some fancy restaurant for a while and wants to cook dinner for everyone.
First off: What the heck?? But although I’m annoyed, the food is already being cooked so I might as well get a meal out of it than get in a fight. Well, cue a few moments later when she gashes her finger open with a knife. Blood everywhere, including all over the food on the stove. Once I get her finger wrapped up, she asks me (and I quote): “Do you have a sewing kit? I’ll fix this right up.”
No is the obvious answer to that. I notice that she has gotten some blood on her dress and mention that to her. She asks me to take her home so she can change before we leave. Immediate “yes.” (I’m hoping I can ditch her there). As I’m driving her across town, she calls her mom and chews the poor woman out. Yelling at her to get a bucket of water and baking soda ready to soak the dress.
We finally get to her house and she could sense what I was thinking. She asks if I’d wait for her to change and she’d only be a moment. The second she shuts the door to my truck, I pull off. It escalated so fast. Seeing me do it, she then jumps on my hood and starts screaming about the two tallboy Bud Lights that she left at my house and that I’m a thief.
I finally get her off the hood of the truck and simply tell her she’s not invited, she destroyed ALL my food for over a week, and I never wanted to talk to her again. By the way: The food she was cooking looked and smelled terrible. She was not a chef, and she was not a good cook. I ended up cleaning up when I got home and whatever she was making was going to be uneatable, just a cross mix of chicken, beef, and every spice from my cupboard.
Think of a 10-year-kid unattended in the kitchen “making dinner.”
Story credit: Reddit/29CFR1910