I Am Finally Realizing How Toxic My Family Is
My fiancé and I have been together for eight years and engaged for three. I was doing my PhD program and was juggling planning the wedding.
My fiancé took much of that work, but it was perfect because our dream venue was booked until after my graduation, so what we did is book our dream venue three years in advance. It is really a beautiful venue, and the only slot we got was September of this year.
My sister got engaged a few months ago to her fiancé. They were planning on having a spring wedding next year. They had no venue lined up, but had a few vendors lined up as well as a set date.
Yesterday, our parents invited us and our significant others to a family BBQ, where my sister announced to our extended family that she is expecting. Everyone was so happy for her and my brother-in-law, who is a great guy.
My Nan asked my sister if the wedding was still on the set date or if they were going to wait. because of the baby.
She said no, that she hoped to move it to September. No big deal for us. We don’t have many out-of-town guests, so they could attend both weddings no problem.
Nan was happy and asked my sister if she needed help planning such a short notice wedding. This is where the horror started dawning on me. My sister then turns around and says,
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I was really, really hoping we could kinda, like, take your venue? I really cannot stress myself too much with planning a wedding while going to maternity classes. And I think it is so beautiful! It would really mean a lot to me.”
It went silent, but everyone was looking at me expecting me to say, “Yes of course everything for my little sister!”
My brother-in-law looked very uncomfortable and told her that they had talked about this and that it was not okay to put me on the spot.
But my sister just said, “Don’t be like that! My sister wants to do what’s best for me, so it’s no big deal right?”
I just said “Well, it kind of is. I don’t know. I have my heart really set on the venue.” Cue the crying. She stormed off. My family’s reaction infuriated me even more.
Nan told me that I was being selfish because she needed the venue more than I did. I tried to defend myself and my mother said, “You waited three years already. Would it have hurt you to wait a few more months? When has your sister ever asked you for something?”
A few comments later, my fiancé got really mad and we left. Later, my sister called me crying and said that it was unfair that I always get what I want and that I could have done this one thing for her. Dad said it is just a venue and what matters is the person who you are marrying.
He is kind of right…but we have been planning for so long. My fiancé is furious with my family and doesn’t even want my sister to come.
Now my family is threatening not to come because I am being selfish and my sister needs it more than me because having a baby is too stressful.
My brother-in-law called me and apologized for the inconvenience. He told me he had discussed it with my sister and she had told him she would not ask. He is properly mad with her now and warned me that my sister is blaming me for “potentially ruining her marriage.”
My father has sent me about five texts along the lines of, “I hope you are happy. Your sister hasn’t stopped crying since yesterday” and so on and so on. My fiancé and I have decided to boot my sister from the bridal party and replace her with my aunt, who is the only family member that took my side.
We have not decided whether or not we will invite my family as a whole. Furthermore, my mom took it upon her to tell on us.
She called my fiancé’s parents and told them that it would be best if my sister gets it because she is pregnant.
My future father-in-law told them to screw off and basically ripped my mom a new one for expecting something so ridiculous.
He said they were going to lose me if they kept playing favorites. So my mom is now crying too and saying that my father-in-law is a jerk. This is just getting so pathetic.
It seems straight out of a bad soap opera. Sometime after this, and after hearing I was upset about her selfishness and posted this story on the Internet, my sister started contacting me again and saying I was being unfair. That she is family and that she asked it nicely because she loves me.
She also underlined the fact that the opinion of internet strangers doesn’t count because family is more important and I should focus on making my family happy. The only text I sent back was this. I am sorry that you perceived it that way. I did not in any matter distort what happened.
As you might notice I didn’t describe your tone nor exaggerated anything. Perhaps you have that night different in your mind than I do, but I digress. I am sick and tired of bending to your will. My whole life I have been your servant and your doormat.
Remember all the birthdays I had to share with you because you would throw a tantrum because you didn’t get presents? Or when you cried so that I would fill out job applications for you? But the thing that has hurt me most till now is when you ruined my graduation. I am done.
I admit that I also spoiled you but I will not any longer. If you want to marry so bad before your baby is born, then you could look at [hotel x] that offers last-minute weddings. I have spent too much time planning MY wedding to gift it to you. And if you want to ruin our relationship over this, then go ahead.
I will sleep sound and safe knowing that it wasn’t my fault. She only sent me a “Wow…You must love me so very much.”
And blocked me. She unblocked me this morning to send me a supposed message from MY wedding planner talking about rebooking the venue.
Throughout this, my parents haven’t actually written me since the thing with my father-in-law. My older brother contacted me and wanted to know what happened because he got a weird story from mom and dad.
Mom had told him that previous to the BBQ, I had offered to give up the venue to my sister and that I humiliated her on the day—my brother wasn’t at the BBQ. I told him what really happened and he had no problem believing me.
We talked a lot about our parents’ behavior and he confessed that his moving far away was partly due to our parents being jerks to us. He told me that mom was mad at me for betraying my family.
I haven’t written my parents because I have to come to terms with the fact that they love my sister more than me, if they love me at all.
Anyway, we continued with OUR wedding. We put passwords with the majority of our vendors and also with the venue directly.
We didn’t talk to our planner yet, which is why my sister’s text worries me so much. Also, we canceled the catering that my parents paid for. So short-term, we won’t be able to get full catering like we wanted to.
But all our friends and my fiancé’s family will help us prepare a buffet, and everyone is going to chip in. That will be our bachelor party.
As we will have to spend more on our food now, we canceled our bachelor parties and will have a family and friends cooking session.
We called my planner and she was actually really horrified. She told me she never had as much as talked to my mother or sister since the day we went to book the venue. She assured me that even if they were to call and say that I wanted to give it to my sister, I had to be present to make any changes.
So we informed everyone that will work for us on our wedding and they offered to hire security for that day at a reduced price.
I am finally realizing just how toxic my family is. I will try to sort it out. If they apologize from the bottom of their hearts, they will be allowed into my wedding, but if not…Then well…I still have my brother, who will be walking me down the aisle, and my aunt. paperweightfairy